Volcano
The EWW episode of the 1997 movie Volcano. Transcript #(the opening text about Los Angeles' Office of Emergency Management is displayed) Reading. #Sped up footage used to zoom audience of L.A.'s skyline. #(people are seen rollerblading) "Coming disaster is punishment for hubris" cliché. #In case the skyline flyover didn't do it, it's followed by a gratuitous montage of L.A. landmarks. #(Norman Calder is being interviewed) John Corbett isn't being a charming small town radio DJ and/or breaking up with Sarah Jessica Parker in this scene. #Mike makes his dog eat eggs next to a piping hot skillet. #(at the hospital, one nurse asks another, "Is that a TAG or a Rolex?") Translation: Rolex outbid TAG for the product placement gig. #(suddenly, the ground shakes violently and one nurse says, "I hate it when that happens.") Not me, I love earthquakes, especially at hospitals. #Volcano caused by an earthquake. #Nerd glasses are nerdy. #Right after the earthquake at 9:14AM, the police get a call about a 914 in progress. Coincidence... or ALIENS?!?!?! #(one Metro Red Line worker puts some Nicorette gum in his mouth) Nicorette gum as character development. #Are they holding this press conference... in a gymnasium? Without asking these guys to stop shooting for a few minutes? #The Metro Red Line workers' computer has software built in to track and score their illegal side bets on the epicenter of earthquakes. #(volcanic gas spews out of a hole in the ground, and a man crawls out) We interrupt this disaster movie to bring you a supervillain origin story. #(half of his face is burned very badly as he tells everyone that the others had died) The volcanic gas burned only one side of this guy's face so that it would be dramatic for the audience later. #Also, Tommy Lee Jones let someone else play Two-Face in this scene. #Dormant volcano directly underneath Los Angeles somehow went unnoticed for years by every single scientist, geologist, and various nerd in the entire world. #(the crew tries to keep shut a metal door to shut out volcanic heat) That metal door kept rat-killing, molten heat at bay?! #(in a house, there is a game of Rummikub displayed on a table, along with various globes, as one woman says to another, "I can't believe he got a babysitter.") I can't believe he owns Rummikub! #Also, how many f*cking globes do you need in this house? #(Tommy Lee Jones as Mike has a unibrow) Unibrow is uni. #(Amy describes to Mike that it takes a geologic event to heat a million gallons of water by six degrees in 12 hours, and Mike asks what a geologic event is) Amy uses the vague term "geologic event" so that Mike can ask what the hell it is, and we can get a lesson on plate tectonics and magma. #(Amy says that magma can find a fissure and rise through it, and Mike asks what magma is) Are you f*cking serious?! #Scientist's definition of "knowledge" is different from the dictionary. #(Amy says that Mike says that volcanoes are man's work and that she's a little girl, so it's too dangerous for her; a colleague teasingly tells her he likes her) This movie definitely needed a romantic subplot between the 28-year-old Anne Heche and the 51-year-old Tommy Lee Jones. #Also, right after Amy makes a remark about not being taken seriously because they're women, they launch right into the "she needs a man" portion of the movie. #(the screen fades to black) We'll be right back after this commercial break. #(someone is reading "Writing Screenplays That Sell" by Michael Hague) Where is the "volcano erupts under Los Angeles" chapter of this book? #Sure, gather samples while crouching down directly over the fissure. This is going to get worse before it gets better. #The gas coming from this fissure conveniently decides not to shift into, and bake, the entire tunnel so that Amy can survive. #(as one crewman looks down into the fissure) This unholy fissure of death just killed my partner. Let's look down into it. #So, wait a minute. Do you mean to tell me that while all this s*it is going on with the manhole covers blowing their lids and volcanic rocks flying all over the place, that the tunnel Amy was in managed to be be calm during all that? #(after a subway train crashes thanks to the rocks from the earthquake, the conductor asks if everyone is okay) How did the conductor survive all those rocks smashing directly into him a few minutes ago? #(a bunch of looters are running in one direction as they hold boxes of stuff) All the looters have to run in the same direction, apparently. #(volcanic lava flows into a house and a dog in it runs out just as the house bursts into flame) Oh no! The dog... will the little dog make it to safety? If this one dog makes it out, then that will make up for the thousands that didn't off screen? #(Amy watches lava flow through the city and says, "I would have loved this.") What. The. F*ck, lady? She would have loved seeing people die, and suffer, and burn? #(as volcanic rocks fly around, Amy calls out to firefighters to watch it) There's no way they could hear her yelling, and even if they could... Are they going to listen some random lady shouting in the street? #(Mike comes up with a plan to stem the lava flow, using a bus) Wait, what is this plan supposed to do again? They're going to lay a bus in front of the lava and then what? Unfortunately, we don't ever find out what this likely stupid plan is, since Amy interrupts Mike mid-sentence because he doesn't know what to call the lava. #(policemen fire their pistols at the bus' tires, letting out its air and then a bunch of firemen get beside it) Were they... standing right there while the cops on the other side fired their guns this direction?! #(Amy says of the lava, "This is going to destroy everything it touches!") You mean...including any buses you might decide to put in front of it? #(the lava comes in contact with a palm tree, which catches on fire and falls over, burning up) Oh come on! #Also, the other trees are still standing even though they've been sitting in lava far longer. #(Amy says, "The bus is just deflecting this, okay?") The bus isn't doing jack sh*t! #(Amy says, "We're dealing with very determined stuff here.") Oh...so the lava is alive? And, sentient? #(two men, one of whom is black, encounter each other) Huh. This is just like Crash, only with more volcanoes. #(one man asks a firefighter to get a truck down here, having to explain the street to come down is the one with the smoke coming out of it) This guy can't believe that the firefighter doesn't know what street he's talking about, even though all of Los Angeles appears to be burning right now. #(a bunch of men run along a path as the foreman shouts out commands to alert to a fire) What did you say boss? I couldn't understand you while you were running and shouting and while everyone else was running and you know...over all the general f*cking commotion! #Lava melts the biggest antagonist in the movie and we're supposed to feel bad about it. #(the lava is knocking down palm trees one by one) It takes 20 seconds for lava to melt a man, but it takes several hours for it to knock down these trees unless one of them wants to inconveniently trap people next to a bus. #Not one single person has a f*cking radio in all this mess. How do you coordinate a job like this by yelling, when there's all this hustle and bustle and all these helicopters flying overhead? #Do concrete dividers really form an airtight seal? Am I the only one worried about lava leaks here? #Racist cop immediately gets out of the way when the black guy he arrested yells something at him. #(the black guy and the cop work together to assemble the concrete dividers) I'm so glad this racist subplot turned into something positive. #Also, this is the fastest racial reconciliation since that very special Fresh Prince episode. #(a gap in the divider is spotted) See, like this gap here in the concrete... Is that really going to stop lava—or any liquid at all—from getting through there? #(a young girl and a little boy are playing paper, rock, scissors, but he wants to be lava, not paper, and he sees a picture of her father) Normally I'd just ding dialogue this bad and move on, but this is so exceptionally terrible that I think I'm gonna have to go the extra step of also saying WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WITH YOU, HOLLYWOOD?!?!?! #(a newscaster, standing near the divider, does a telecast that there are thousands of gallons of water dropped in the area) Is this guy really doing a live remote three feet in front of the lava? #(everyone cheers and high-fives each other) Premature jubilation. #(someone asks about needing help over on Stanley) Uh...those houses should be gone by now. And, wasn't that street getting covered in lava, too? #(lava flows into one house and the dog inside tries to run from it and bark) Also, if that neighborhood on a side street was getting covered in lava, how did stopping the lava flow on Wilshire prevent the lava from going further into that neighborhood? #Movie attempts to make the huge volcano eruption more dramatic by putting the protagonist's daughter right in the crossfire. #(Mike reminiscences about his daughter) YOU DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS. #(they are going to do a precision drop of a building which one person said took six days to plan) Man, I'm with you. It's total bullsh*t. #(someone asks about Amy's plan to blow up a street and knock down a building in 20 minutes) No way, babe, a whole lot more than 60 seconds went by since you said 20 minutes were left. #(Norman asks Dr. Jaye if she is going to die for a bunch of strangers) I sure am glad this movie spent time fleshing out this subplot or else I might not have given a damn. Oh wait, I still don't. #(Mike talks on a radio to inform of a young boy in the building about to be blown up) Oh, so NOW Mike has a radio. And quite conveniently for this movie, it doesn't work. #Building collapses in slow motion in the background while everyone else in the foreground moves at normal speed. #(from quite a long distance away, a woman sees Mike running) Oh, you didn't see that. #Mike outruns a collapsing building and somehow tackles the kids far enough out of the way to safety. #(Mike emerges from the rubble) Unlikely. #How neat it is, to be able to survive a building falling on you and have easily-removed rubble fall in a pile near you and not on you. #(the young boy notices how everyone looks the same because of the ashes and debris) Thanks to the volcano, no one was ever racist in Los Angeles ever again. #Thank God they drove Max all the way out here so he could be with the family at the end of the movie. #Also, did they make a special trip to get the dog before they came here? The f*ck for? #(Mike gives a black person his cell phone) Oh, that phone is done. #(in the epilogue, the status on the volcano is shown as "A-C-T-I-V-E") More reading. #Also, suspenseful word crawl takes forever, but tells us everything we need to know as soon as the letter "A" shows up. Movie Sin Tally: 78 Sentence: Thrown Into Dante's Peak Category:EWW Videos Category:Videos